I’m not the first to find out that this mothering gig can take all of your time, and all of your energy. I find myself amidst gorgeous days filled with love and connection with my child, at the same time wanting to express myself creatively and do things that are just for me. However finding the time, energy or inclination to write/create in her nap times or when she finally goes down to sleep for the evening  is rare. And even if I do feel like sitting down to write, this desire competes with my need to have some adult time with my husband, and just some goddamn rest.

 

I go about mum things, cooking dinner, bathing, feeding and putting Evie to sleep, gazing lovingly at her all the while. Sentences and thoughts dancing in my head, I just want to write them down but I’m conflicted because I still have dishes to do. Oh to just sit down and create.

 

So how to maintain sanity...Hmmmm.... I’ve been trying to break the creative process into teeny tiny pieces that I manage to fit in around all the child-care and housewifery. This doesn’t always do the trick for me, my craving for self expression persists.

 

My dilemma has reminded me of a passage in one of my favourite books, Neale Donald Walsh’s Conversations with God. Neale writes 'You either create the moment or you react to the moment.' Create or React: These two words are made of the same letters. They are anagrams of each other.

 

The unconscious decision would be to simply react. So when I have plans that are a skewed by an inquisitive, curious and ever needing baby I can choose to be frustrated, perhaps even feel a victim or I can decide to be in the present moment, practice non-resistance and accept each experience in my day as is. Even the shit bits. Even the bits where I’m trying to experience a little connection to nature by setting up a natural altar outdoors and blessing a new key ring with safe travels, wonderful discoveries and plenty of opportunity to share what I learn. Instead of feeling the feminine divine I end up feeling stressed and annoyed because Evie won’t stop trying to eat dirt and kangaroo poo, or trying to suck the moisture out of all her baby wipes, between pulling the entire contents of my bag apart and spreading it in the dirt.

 

Often I go the way of frustrations, I get annoyed, I get upset. But I’m practicing on bringing myself back to the present, back to the recognition of the perfection, even amidst the mess, tears and crap. Because to react is to get lost in misery, where as to create is to express pure soul. I know which one feels better.

 

And some days, after a particularly gruelling night of baby-care, I’m just so goddamn tired that my brain chemicals aren’t right and grumpy mummy is practically inevitable. It’s easy to be conscious on 8 hours sleep a night, but try 4. It’s no easy task.

 

So, as with all mothers everywhere, my challenge is choosing to create each moment anew, and choose each response to the delicate and precious little human being in my care, taking my days moment at a time. I choose to bring myself back to the present when I feel my mood slipping into murkiness, despair, annoyance and frustration. I can choose to find a sense of balance and peace with my days in order to cherish as much of this precious time with my baby as possible. Because deep inside I know this time is a blessing. And like all things this too will pass.