From my Journal 31 May 2016

As I made my morning coffee I pondered what activities and tasks I could achieve today to make my life great. Evie played happily, grateful to be up with access to toys after I made her lie in bed with me for an hour longer then she really wanted to.

I saw the opportunity to write.

Now I’m sitting at my table, an adorable small girl sits underneath. I realise she is sucking on the end of my computer charger and take it from her grasp. Bigger then this is the realisation that I haven’t journaled at all since I discovered I was pregnant the Thursday before last.

I had been in denial about this pregnancy. I didn’t feel ready as Evie wakes every few hours in the night still. I was so busy with mothering my existing child. My period should have come in, but no, I told myself, I’m not pregnant. I kept asking my intuitive hand, it sounds a bit odd but I can use this hand like a pendulum, like my own internal compass. It gave me a shaky no each time I asked if I was pregnant. I felt relief, but not convinced.

I consulted the tarot. The Star: Wonderful news, make long term plans.

I attended a weekend workshop where we did a scrying exercise. This is where we looked into a dish of water to access our consciousness, similar to looking into a crystal ball. My question again was, Am I Pregnant? And then I connected with the little light that is this new child. We were both like lights in this space. Tiny little lights. “Mum,” said this little light. “I’m here Mum” I felt this spirit and I loved her deeply. So deeply. It was so wonderful to be in her presence, like being home, together in a space that felt so right. I knew I was her mother, but I was still in denial telling myself “You’re my future child right? You’re not coming right now?” Even though the togetherness made me want her now in that moment.

The workshop leader drew the scrying session to a close. She asked everyone for a word to describe their experience but I had none. I was emotionally stunned. So in love, I yearned to be back in that place with that little spirit.

But I still didn’t believe I was pregnant. I’d been to the Iron Maiden concert the night before and downed an Espresso Martini and two glasses of champagne.

Earlier that week I’d been enjoying a glass of wine almost every night. And earlier still since this conception I drank way more wine then is respectable when we had a friend over for dinner.

I hadn’t been taking my preconception vitamins. I was in denial.

The following Wednesday Andy brought home a bottle of Pinot Noir. The TV was off that night. We had dinner at the table and bonded over the wine. It was one of those special rare nights when it’s about each other. My lover, my friend. Later that night I lay awake wondering where my period was. It definitely should be here by now. I’d been getting my period on the new moon like clockwork, and now the moon was nearly full.

Upon waking in the morning Andy had taken Evie out into the lounge with him and conveniently had a late start. I decided to get a pregnancy test from the chemist before my first wee of the day.

Once home again Andy was in the throes of cleaning up a diarrhoea disaster. He pleaded for some help but I apologised. I was desperate for a wee and had business to attend to.

And so I sat on the toilet and peed on the stick. The pregnancy line started to darken and it was unmistakable. I was still sitting on the toilet, with the door open and Andy standing just outside the door his hands dirty from the mess and trying to figure out what to do with the soiled play pen mat.

“I’m pregnant” I said. “your pregnant.” He seemed mildly happy, amidst the chaos of the moment. I pulled my jeans up and went over to hug him, but he was still holding his hands out in front of him like germ-ridden cesspits of disease, messy from Evie’s poo. We didn’t hug, but rather hovered near each other in a moment of acknowledgement.

The rest of that day is a daze of shock. I imagined I might go to a shopping centre and wander around aimlessly. – end of journal entry

The shopping trip never eventuated. The shock lasted days I remember. I felt immense guilt that I hadn’t been practicing any preconception care and hoped the little guy wouldn’t suffer. He’s fine, skin’s a bit sensitive to soap and regular sunscreen in contrast to baby Evie who had impeccable preconception care and has the constitution of 10 strong horses. You can read her conception story here.

He also turned out to be a boy – another shock - and I was convinced I’d only have girls! I did go shopping after this discovery, for a little boys outfit. Shopping is quite a soother for me but that’s another story.

Andy and I had managed to avoid pregnancy naturally for about 10 years. We hadn't been using any contraception other then cycle tracking and natural methods. After Evie was born I was busy, and my cycle tracking wasn't as thorough, I guess I got complacent. I believe though children come at exactly the right time, and what a chubby happy blessing he is. My heart is so full.